1. Sleep poorly.
2. Get up early.
3. Fuss with husband.
4. Drive one hour in Los Angeles traffic.
5. Plan a baby shower for hours.
6. Drive one hour in Los Angeles traffic.
7. Run home for 2 seconds. Pick up paperwork.
8. Wait in line at Starbucks to get friendly neighborhood track coach a butt-kissing drink.
9. Drive to your friendly neighborhood high school.
10. Talk shop with the track coach for 2 hours.
11. Get home.
12. Sit down for 5 minutes before the doorbell rings.
13. It’s a magazine salesman with a sob story. He Wont. Stop. Talking.
14. Buy a magazine. DANGIT.
15. Sit down for 5 more minutes.
16. Doorbell again. In your delirium you STOLE the magazine man’s price list.
17. Drag dog into the bathroom because HE STINKS. Feel bad because he’s whining and shaking.
18. Spouse returns. Greet spouse and allow dog to escape bathroom.
19. Chase dog all over tarnation. Catch dog. Drag dog (who is 52 pounds and awkward!!) into bathroom and dump into bathtub. It was worth the smooch.
21. Flush dog’s ears. Gag.
22. Scrub dog with vanilla-scented flea shampoo. Rinse. Repeat.
23. Spend 20 minutes towel drying dog. Decide he’s dry enough to release into the wild.
24. Watch in horror as he cavorts through the house and nearly knocks down the Christmas tree!!
25. Chase dog all over tarnation AGAIN, with towel.
26. In delirium, let dog outside. Watch him poop.
27. Look away for 1.34 seconds.
28. Look back to the yard and search to find dog ROLLING in DIRT. SCREAM BLOODY MURDER.
29. Pick up dog and nearly die carrying him back to the bathroom.
30. Re-scrub dog. Re-rinse dog. Wonder if there is such a thing as Doggie ADD.
31. Put conditioner on him just to show him who is boss. Rinse.
32. Towel dry dog.
33. Line bathroom with towels.
34. Lock dog in bathroom. Blog. Consider running away to Mexico.