Basset hound. Male, 4 years old. Enjoys rolling in the dirt at inopportune times, peeing in dark corners of the house when you’re not looking, and knocking over the trash can. Also has been known to bolt out the front door and run at surprising speed into oncoming traffic. Wipes butt on the carpet. Flicks drool on the television screen. Knocks down little kids with no remorse. Steals off the kitchen counter WHILE YOU’RE LOOKING. Has disturbingly large reproductive organs which he enjoys tongue-bathing. Destroys dog beds and perfectly lovely gardens. Thinks the vacuum cleaner is a real live monster. Steals your spot on the couch when you get up to pee.
Australian Shepherd mix. Male, 8 years old. Bites groomers and refuses to be home-groomed. Has seizures at inopportune times, including when you’re bathing a dirt-caked basset hound in the bathtub and 3 am. Also has "Raccoon Disorder" in which he will not knock over the trash can but will gladly feast on trash. Has been known to poop on the one 5×8 carpet in an entirely hardwood-floored home. Steals and eats bagels (still in the wrapper), packages of Oreos, and poached chicken breasts when he thinks you’re gone but really you’re just in the garage. When left alone in the house destroys doors and windows because of abandonment complex. Is afraid of brooms and electrical cords of any kind. Kills baby bunnies, baby squirrels, and baby opossums (basically anything cute and relatively helpless). Prefers his Pop to the people who FEED HIM.
Make me an offer. Will accept baked goods, Oreos, or used maternity clothes as a swap.