FOR SALE

2 Dogs:

Basset hound.  Male, 4 years old.  Enjoys rolling in the dirt at inopportune times, peeing in dark corners of the house when you’re not looking, and knocking over the trash can.  Also has been known to bolt out the front door and run at surprising speed into oncoming traffic.  Wipes butt on the carpet.  Flicks drool on the television screen. Knocks down little kids with no remorse.  Steals off the kitchen counter WHILE YOU’RE LOOKING.  Has disturbingly large reproductive organs which he enjoys tongue-bathing.  Destroys dog beds and perfectly lovely gardens.  Thinks the vacuum cleaner is a real live monster. Steals your spot on the couch when you get up to pee.

Australian Shepherd mix. Male, 8 years old.  Bites groomers and refuses to be home-groomed.  Has seizures at inopportune times, including when you’re bathing a dirt-caked basset hound in the bathtub and 3 am.  Also has "Raccoon Disorder" in which he will not knock over the trash can but will gladly feast on trash.  Has been known to poop on the one 5×8 carpet in an entirely hardwood-floored home.  Steals and eats bagels (still in the wrapper), packages of Oreos, and poached chicken breasts when he thinks you’re gone but really you’re just in the garage.  When left alone in the house destroys doors and windows because of abandonment complex.  Is afraid of brooms and electrical cords of any kind. Kills baby bunnies, baby squirrels, and baby opossums (basically anything cute and relatively helpless).  Prefers his Pop to the people who FEED HIM.

Make me an offer.  Will accept baked goods, Oreos, or used maternity clothes as a swap.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “FOR SALE

  1. Nora says:

    LOL! Brian’s dog (I say Brian’s because the dog HATES the rest of us) jumped into Bethany’s crib the day we brought her home from the hospital… The dog is about 8 inches from floor to top of his head… the crib’s rail was at least 4 feet of the ground… he just scaled it with ease and climbed in to examine this new creature.

    He ALMOST got the boot that day… he lives here on a day-by-day basis :).

  2. crockpot lady says:

    I had that same basset! Good ol’ Louis. He would take food right off the buffet table with people standing all around. Wouldn’t hurt a flea..
    I miss him.

  3. KATHY V says:

    Okay I will trade yours for mine. 6year old CHinese Sharpei. Also has large boy parts and feels the need to lick them a lot. He also will rub his butt on the carpet. He loves to give kisses but those kisses are often accompanied by white foamy residue from big lips. However if he has just taken a drink, white slimy residue is replaced by being dripped on with what feel like a cup of water. also pees on the floor when the surround sound is turned on. Did I mention he snores?

    Female siberian husky age 2 1/2. Loves to dig and will pull out any and all flowers especially bulbs. Likes to impatiens and petunias. Has no problem finding mud puddles and if she can’t find one, will make one especially after it rains for a whole week. Will climb in mud puddle up to her back and will need a squirt down with garden house at imopportune times. Will throw her body up against the door denting the metal when she wants to come in and you won’t open the door cause she is soaking wet after squirt down. Constantly sheds. (she is supposed to blow her coat twice a year and get it all over with but we have been in a constant state of shedding since February.)Doesn’t get enough fiber in her diet and has been known to eat holes in couches or futon cushions. Will scratch at carpet in game room simply out of boredom. Did I mention that she always takes your seat and will take over the bed complete with blankets if you let her?

    Still willing to trade? Let me know when you want them ship them out to you. I am more than happy to oblige.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s