29 weeks. Alienating readers since week 14.

Welp, things are moving right along over here in Pregnancy Land (I wish it was more like Candy Land, although it's pretty close, thank you Lord that I didn't flunk my gestational diabetes test!!).

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This week I am sad to report that the stretch marks are only getting worse.  Have I mentioned how much stretch marks ANNOY me?  Especially since NO ONE in pregnancy magazines has them?  Yes, I know, they are airbrushed out but WHERE IS MY AIRBRUSH?  No fair.  It's weird to look down at yourself and not recognize much of what you see.  I am developing a strange little road map to the right of my bellybutton.  That combined with an empty (and yes, stretched out) hole from where a bellybutton ring used to be makes for a picture NOT worthy of any cocoa butter advertisements.  Which leads me to the obvious question … has anyone found anything that actually works?  And you people who are genetically altered to NOT get stretch marks can just shut the crap up and leave me alone while I toss down a few more Oreos.

New offensive adjective alert: pregtarded.  My friend who is a medical assistant likes to call me this whenever I can't remember where I put my keys, her name, my own name … For some reason it just stuck with me.  There has to be some reasonable explanation for the endless brain-farting going on over here.  Right?

And speaking of farts, they are deadly people.  Be glad that smell is not transmittable over the internet.

Let's see, anything positive?  Why YES!  For once I do have something grand to tell you!  My back pain has mysteriously been alleviated a bit in the last week.  YAY!  It's not completely gone but for whatever reason I' feeling a lot better.  Some of you must have been praying!!  I also picked up a HoMedics Ortho Therapy Leg Spacer Support Pillow to replace what John lovingly refers to as "the crotch pillow."  Actually we've had some pretty funny conversations that start out with "Hey!  You've got your head on my crotch pillow!"  Hee hee.  Now it doesn't matter because I have my funny bow-tie shaped pillow made of lovely, lovely memory foam. Ahhh.

Also, I've forgotten when my next OB appointment is.  I hope they call me and remind me the day before.  Also?  We haven't registered for a single class yet.  Whoops.  We plan on doing at least three: preparation for delivery, baby care, and breast feeding.  Any other worthwhile suggestions?  I also got the most wonderful, AMAZING package from Laura today which contained What to Expect the First Year and some other MAGIC baby goodies.  I LOVE YOU LAURA!!  I'm starting to think that maybe we can actually DO this.  A day late and a dollar short?

In other news, it's come to my attention that one of my male readers has "lost interest" in my blog since I got pregnant.  Sorry dude!  I would say that I'll try harder to blog about un-pregnant topics but it's kinda hard since I have someone inside my body, like, kicking me all day long.  It's hard to think about much else.  And let's not even get started on all there is to do before this little meatball arrives… 

See?  Probably nine more of you just died of boredom. 

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9 thoughts on “29 weeks. Alienating readers since week 14.

  1. Lily says:

    I can’t believe you’re already 29 weeks. Where does the time go? Mommy, oh, mommy, the places you’ll go!

  2. Nora says:

    What to Expect the First Year rocks…. just don’t read the “childhood illnesses” section just for fun because suddenly it seems your child has all the symptoms of every single rare disease and you’ll spend a fortune on Dr. copays.

    Stretch marks: I can honestly say I tried EVERY STUPID THING and I have a thousand between the two pregnancies. My sister just used the stupid cocoa butter and has basically none…. I think it’s just all genetics. Daniel (who’ll be 11 in a couple weeks) has been shooting up in height and has developed several on his inner thighs. The dr. just said it’s from rapid growth. Poor kid must have gotten the tendency for those from me. Perhaps the creams help lesson the marks and offer some relief to the itching.

  3. Lily says:

    I know I’ve told you this before and you’ve heard this before, too, but you’re a GREAT writer, not to mention hilarious. Stretch marks. . . well, mine showed up earlier the second pregnancy around than the first. VERY disappointing. Can’t believe celebrities and non-celebrities (I heard of one instance recently) elect to have their babies three weeks early or so (via C-section) JUST to avoid stretch marks!

  4. Caroline says:

    I have heard of using olive oil and some other creams or whatnots that were used in the bible? I have a friend who has done it with out fail for 3 pregnancies.I started with cocoa butter and my naval ring hole never returned to it’s original home. Sorry.

  5. Emily says:

    I just hope that during your breastfeeding class, you can not burst out laughing when the instructor holds up a ginormous plush breast and some old dirty baby doll for a visual aid. Actually, wait, I just hope you have a class where the instructor DOESN’T BRING THOSE THINGS AT ALL. Because IT DIDN’T HELP MUCH, and I wanted to gag looking at that old, dirty, baby doll fake feeding off that old, dirty, plush breast.

    Also, I got no stretch marks, except for ON MY THIGHS. So we’re even, I think.

  6. J. says:

    I was going along in my pregnancy, many many weeks along and patting myself on the back for not getting any stretch marks–then I happened to look in a mirror and see the underneath portion of my belly. I had marks from my bellybutton down to my knees (no kidding!) Since they’re not done fading to white yet, I look like a tiger.

  7. larmar says:

    ya. those stretch marks. i didnt think i had any (well, besides those on my thighs and my butt…..) until paul pointed out that i had them on the underside of my belly where i couldn’t see them. awesome. so now they are big and ugly and not hidden. but i am over it. i went and bought a nice one-piece bathing suit for the summer, and i am perfectly ok with that.

  8. Liz says:

    Hahaha. I have a “crotch pillow” too! Adam insists that it has its own constant pillow cases so he can recognize it and so he doesn’t accidently put it over his face as he likes to do when he sleeps. Because. you know. gas and things.

  9. Mont'ster says:

    (a la Carly Simon) “I’m so vain, I probably think this post is about me, I’m so vain…” but seriously with Diana reading your blog & my conversations with Johnny, I’m able to (pretty much) stay up to date. You are very entertaining to read – boredom had nothing to do with my, um, “hiatus”.

    I massaged Diana’s tummy with cocoa butter (it doesn’t taste nearly as good as it sounds) every day during her pregnancy and she didn’t develop any stretch marks. My mom (a Registered Nurse since JFK) said she thought it had more to do with the daily massages than the cocoa butter.

    I don’t remember what Diana called any of her pillows but I do remember that she kept all her pillows on her side of the bed 🙂

    Hey, at least your TV debut didn’t start “A major manhunt has been called off after a suspect has been found…”

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