Week 32: When deodorant fails you

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So here I am in my SECOND outfit of Sunday morning … the first one only made it through worship practice from 8-9:30 before the stench of my armpits made my hair go limp.  Luckily we live very close to church so I had time to go home and wipe off my pits and change my dress.  GROSS.  Here's a word of advice to you pregos and prego-wannabes out there:  Don't switch your deodorant whilst pregnant if you have one that works.  Even if you really, really want to smell like cucumbers and green tea and have smooth underarms.  And you get frustrated at Target because Secret has now changed all their labels and you can't find the same kind or equivalent.  JUST PERSEVERE.  Trust me.

Last week in birth class we saw birth videos.  There is something about watching strangers go through labor WITH NO DRUGS and then watching their babies pop out that makes you, well, NOT WANT TO DO IT.  John and I got into the car after class and looked at one another and had a conversation that went something like this:

M: "I didn't like that."

J: "Yeah, I think that just made me nervous.  And I wasn't really nervous before."

M: "I feel like a peeping tom.  I need to go home and take a shower.  I'm getting drugs.  Seriously, if I could get knocked out like when they took my wisdom teeth out and then they could just wake me up later I'd be totally fine with that."

J: "I never want to see anyone else give birth. Ever."

M: "Too bad, you have to be there when I give birth so I can crush your hand and curse you out.  C'mon it'll be fun!"

J: "No, I'll watch you give birth.  But no one else.  Not my daughter."

M: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure she won't want you there either.  Because who wants her dad to see her hoo-hoo?" (Mental note: teach children real names of body parts)

[Then we spent the rest of the ride home flipping through the radio stations trying to find the end of the Laker's game.  No dice.]

Mmmkay, really.  How are those videos even helpful?  No one looks attractive while giving birth, for one.  And if anyone takes a picture of me at the hospital when I have no eye makeup on and have been giving birth for two days prior I will CRUSH SOMETHING with the Hulk-like hormonal strength I am bound to receive as a reward for all the pushing (just humor me, ok?).  I know the videos are supposed to be inspiring in some way but I wasn't feeling it.  What I was thinking was "OH CRAP, eight weeks to go before I blow out my lady parts."  I really have no interest in being brave at this point.  Let's just get her out of there.  I can barely make it through a bowel movement as it is right now, how in the heck would I ever give birth with no anesthesia.  WHY WOULD I EVEN TRY?  I have watched A Baby Story many, many times and every time I flip to commercial while the baby's being born, then back again when they do the "2 weeks later" episode and everyone's home and dressed and sane-ish.  So now giving birth in my mind is much like a dryer sheet commercial.  I have no shame.

I think my resolve has been severly diminished this week due to the horrible lack of sleep I've been suffering.  Last night I was in bed by 10 with the lights out and I still managed to thrash all night and get up 3 times to pee.  Yes, I think the result of all this will be that I will somehow be able to navigate the crazy nights with an infant a little better when she gets here, but DANG I'm tired.  It seems really unfair that I can't sleep NOW while I still can and on the rare nights I can sleep the dog gets confused and thinks it's morning when really it's 3 am or the phone rings at some ungodly hour because people forget that we're 2-3 hours behind them thanks to stupid, stupid time zones.

On the bright side, I got to eat at Ruth's Chris Steak House today with John and his parents to celebrate Father's Day.  Baby likey!!

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5 thoughts on “Week 32: When deodorant fails you

  1. Liz says:

    We do our childbirth prep class on Saturday. I certainly can wait to see someone else’s birth video. Kind of ew.

    Also? You’re so freaking cute in your maternity clothes! I always end up feeling like such an enormous frump.

  2. Twisted Cinderella says:

    bwahahahahahaaha! Those videos can scare the heck out of you. I think you should at least get to see one with drugs and one without. I figure the minute they establish I am in labour, I am scheduling the epidural. I would schedule it now if I could. I see no need to greet my baby in a pain induce haze.

  3. Nora says:

    Sometimes you can catch a good episode of A Baby Story or Birth Day where the lady has drugs and they walk in and she’s just chatting with her family and playing cards and the doctor announces she’s ready to push! Ah, that would have been nice…

  4. seussgirl says:

    Hah – I totally agree! Those videos made me think it was going to be so much worse than it was! They even made us watch a c-section with triplets in my twin class. Ook.
    And yey for Ruth Chris!

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