Can I just say that motherhood KNOWS how to deal out an arse whooping? I've barely slept in days, the sleep I DO get is sitting up in a rocking chair, I've done easily 30 loads of poop-laundry in the last week, I spend most of my free time folding said laundry or emptying the dishwasher or sterilizing parts of a breast pump and pacifiers AND goodness I'm hungry. Like ALL THE TIME.
Babies. They are confused little people. I've been trying to tell Sydney: Dark = sleepy time, but she's not getting it yet. Yes, my beautiful daughter is going through a phase in which she stays up most of the night eating, then spends most of the morning eating (let's say it's a 12-hour stretch smattered with snoozes), and then around 2 pm (just in time for Daddy to get home) she crashes out. I need to confess that the whole thing freaked me out pretty bad today. I took her temperature and it was normal. She puked up a few tablespoons of milk and then pooped three times in a row and was continuously nursing for HOURS this morning so of course by the time John came home from work I was beside myself and bawling my head off because I hadn't been able to put her down long enough to even get myself something to eat and I was SURE that my milk was somehow not getting her the nutrients she needs and that's why she's never satisfied and WAAAAAHHHHH.
Of course, she fell asleep the second John took her in his arms and she's been napping like a champ ever since. That's what I get for marrying the dang Baby Whisperer.
I did go out for the first time by myself today (don't worry, I didn't take any Vicatin)! When I got in the car I realized that I hadn't driven in a LONG time, and also, it's been a long time since I've driven WITHOUT a giant baby belly! Crazy! It felt good. I went to Trader Joe's and bought an inordinate amount of fancy crap to eat, including 4 bottles of apple juice. I was a sweatball by the end of it, but I was glad to get out. I somehow got into a conversation with the checkout gal at the end of it (is checkout gal politically correct? Is it one of those "out" descriptors like stewardess?) and she asked me how I was doing and of course, being Manda, I was all truthful and told her I was friggin' exhausted because I had a 2-week-old newborn at home. She gave me the ole unsolicited up-and-down and told me I looked "good." Which brings me to the next photo:
I am a stretched out wad of goo. I live in fear that since I had such a humongous baby that my belly button will never go back in and that this is the new me. Do you see what People magazine has done to me!? Stupid J. Lo losing all her stupid twin baby weight in two weeks! Being out in public without my baby with me made me a bit nervous because I had no marker to explain why I'm thick in the middle (which I've never been in my life … thick in other places but always managed to have a small waist). Can you say SHALLOW? Ugh.
Back to the fun stuff:
Sydney has this interesting habit of peeing every time her diaper comes off. Which means that for most diaper changes, we go through two diapers and have to wash the changing pad cover and sometimes for extra fun, what's she's wearing! We are such green violators over here it's not even funny! I should buy stock in diapers and feminine hygiene products.
Which leads me to my next TOO MUCH INFORMATION segment: After you push for two and a half hours and then you get a c-section, it's like you gave birth both ways. Since I spend all my time in a seated position, my hemorrhoids are now worse than they ever were when I was pregnant (but now I get Vicatin so it's sorta ok). And then I get stuck in a seated position with a sleeping baby on my lap and I have no way to get up because uhhh, my core got cut open. FUN! Can you see why I was crying like a sissy today? I WANT MY MOM!
Now, for those of you who are all UH, I'M NEVER HAVING KIDS NOW, just hold your horses and look at what you get out of the deal:
When you see that little goober light up with a smile while she's sleeping you're just a big puddle of mush and gratitude and you start asking God to slow down time so she never, ever grows up. You start thinking about your wedding day and about how much you love your husband and you marvel over the little things you see in her face that belong to him or belong to you and how you never would have imagined when you first laid eyes on that man that one day there'd be this little person in the world. For hours you stare at those tiny toes and hands and the wonder of it all and how she was formed every inch of her by the creator of the universe to be your daughter humbles you and brings you to your knees …
It is so, so worth it. So go on, make babies!!