In a few hours we are heading out to Denver for Thanksgiving for three days. I spent most of the week wondering how in the heck I could get the bouncer dismantled and in my suitcase and sweating over whether I should pack the Boppy (don't worry, I'm not taking either). And now I'm STILL praying that my bag isn't over the weight requirement and hoping they won't try and take away my precious breastmilk at security. And do I pack the pump in my checked bag or bring it on the plane with the battery pack? How far in can I take the stroller? Will they bust up our amazing playard when we check it? Do I really need to bring her birth certificate? Why don't I have a clue how many outfits/diapers my OWN CHILD goes through in one day?!
Need I repeat … THREE DAYS?! And my sister has a washing machine. I need to shut up.
And don't let me even get started that I'm TERRIFIED that my baby will be THE baby on the plane who screams the entire time. The flight is short, just under two hours, but still. I've already gotten serious stinkeye for having my baby at a concert (in a COFFEE SHOP, people, not even a REAL concert!). She wasn't even crying!! She she was just THERE. I'm not the sort of person who gets embarrassed when people get annoyed by my baby … instead I get mad and start fantasizing about pimp-slapping their rolling eyes right out of their heads. On that note, I'd rather show up for the holiday, you know, cheerful and stuff, so I'm hoping that Sydney does ok on the flight. She's such a good baby, so my naive hopes are high that she'll do fine if I have a bottle/pacifier ready for her. What I really can't stand is when she's hurting. It makes me want to die.
Case in point? The time I accidentally whacked her on the top of the head with the hatchback of my Pathfinder while she was in the Baby Bjorn. I totally misjudged the distance because I was tired, in a rush, and being lazy and I woke my sleeping baby up and HURT HER. She wailed in pain and surprise (probably more surprise?! RIGHT?!), and I snot-faced wept the whole way home from Target while on the phone to John … even though about five minutes later she fell asleep in her car seat and was totally fine (as far as we know … if she doesn't get into Harvard one day IT'S TOTALLY MY BAD). But? Have you ever accidentally rammed your kid's head into an inanimate object? It is the worst experience I have ever had as a parent. I would rather go through labor again RIGHT NOW if it meant I could avoid ever doing that again.
Let's move on. YOUR QUESTIONS! People, you are amazing. I would try and answer them in the order they were received but C. took me up on the whole "ten questions" thing. See?
Okay… for starters, where did you grow up? Where did you go to college? How did you meet your hubby? How long have you been married?
Also, pregnancy question: my husband very recently told me something he thought I knew already. Apparently sometimes during birth the doctor will have to cut you… down there… ugh… to help get the baby out. Is that really true?! Why has no one ever told me this before?!?!? I'm so scared now. (I'm not pregnant. Just very excited about that time in my life. Or… I WAS.)
P.S. I'm not talking c-section. I'm talking further… down there.
Ok, C. I'm gonna temporarily skip the first four questions for later and go right to your medical concern. Since I have a Ph.D. in KICKING ASS after spending ten months pregnant and then 21 hours in labor, I feel totally qualified to help. The procedure your dear husband is scaring the crap out of you with is called an episiotomy (click on the word for a link to a full article all about it). The short answer to your question is yes, it's true. Sometimes it does happen. In my case, my baby was too big to even bother trying an episiotomy! After 2.5 hours of pushing I had to have a c-section. Women and doctors all have different opinions about whether or not to get one or whether it's even necessary, but my advice to you is this: First, punch your husband in the arm HARD and then polish that off with a purple nurple. Then when he whines about it yell, "WELL I'M THE ONE WHO HAS TO HAVE THE BABIES SO SHUT UP!" Then, consider this: I was absolutely freaked out too … mostly because people love to torture young wives with their war stories. I won't lie, childbirth is a crazy experience! So I guess in a way you're lucky no one told you about that lovely angle sooner! What is your husband THINKING? Does he NOT want kids or something?!
However it happens, you blow out your lady parts to get the baby out and THAT, my friend, is intimidating. But don't let it stop you from procreating. Billions of women have done it and survived (most of them without drugs and modern technology) and so can you. I have absolutely no pain tolerance whatsoever and I still want more kids! Hope that bolsters your nerves a bit. Also? There's drugs at the hospital. Lots of them.
And when it's over, you get one of these:
More answers to your burning questions soon!