Leeeeavin’ on a jet plane (with a baby and all her crapola)

In a few hours we are heading out to Denver for Thanksgiving for three days.  I spent most of the week wondering how in the heck I could get the bouncer dismantled and in my suitcase and sweating over whether I should pack the Boppy (don't worry, I'm not taking either).  And now I'm STILL praying that my bag isn't over the weight requirement and hoping they won't try and take away my precious breastmilk at security.  And do I pack the pump in my checked bag or bring it on the plane with the battery pack?  How far in can I take the stroller?  Will they bust up our amazing playard when we check it?  Do I really need to bring her birth certificate?  Why don't I have a clue how many outfits/diapers my OWN CHILD goes through in one day?!

Need I repeat … THREE DAYS?!  And my sister has a washing machine.  I need to shut up.

And don't let me even get started that I'm TERRIFIED that my baby will be THE baby on the plane who screams the entire time.  The flight is short, just under two hours, but still.  I've already gotten serious stinkeye for having my baby at a concert (in a COFFEE SHOP, people, not even a REAL concert!).  She wasn't even crying!!  She she was just THERE.  I'm not the sort of person who gets embarrassed when people get annoyed by my baby … instead I get mad and start fantasizing about pimp-slapping their rolling eyes right out of their heads.  On that note, I'd rather show up for the holiday, you know, cheerful and stuff, so I'm hoping that Sydney does ok on the flight.  She's such a good baby, so my naive hopes are high that she'll do fine if I have a bottle/pacifier ready for her.  What I really can't stand is when she's hurting.  It makes me want to die.

Case in point? The time I accidentally whacked her on the top of the head with the hatchback of my Pathfinder while she was in the Baby Bjorn.  I totally misjudged the distance because I was tired, in a rush, and being lazy and I woke my sleeping baby up and HURT HER.  She wailed in pain and surprise (probably more surprise?! RIGHT?!), and I snot-faced wept the whole way home from Target while on the phone to John … even though about five minutes later she fell asleep in her car seat and was totally fine (as far as we know … if she doesn't get into Harvard one day IT'S TOTALLY MY BAD).  But?  Have you ever accidentally rammed your kid's head into an inanimate object?  It is the worst experience I have ever had as a parent.  I would rather go through labor again RIGHT NOW if it meant I could avoid ever doing that again.

Let's move on.  YOUR QUESTIONS!  People, you are amazing.  I would try and answer them in the order they were received but C. took me up on the whole "ten questions" thing.  See?

Okay… for starters, where did you grow up?  Where did you go to college?  How did you meet your hubby?  How long have you been married?
Also, pregnancy question:  my husband very recently told me something he thought I knew already.  Apparently sometimes during birth the doctor will have to cut you… down there… ugh… to help get the baby out.  Is that really true?!  Why has no one ever told me this before?!?!?  I'm so scared now.  (I'm not pregnant.  Just very excited about that time in my life.  Or… I WAS.)

P.S.  I'm not talking c-section.  I'm talking further… down there.

Ok, C.  I'm gonna temporarily skip the first four questions for later and go right to your medical concern.  Since I have a Ph.D. in KICKING ASS after spending ten months pregnant and then 21 hours in labor, I feel totally qualified to help.  The procedure your dear husband is scaring the crap out of you with is called an episiotomy (click on the word for a link to a full article all about it).  The short answer to your question is yes, it's true.  Sometimes it does happen.  In my case, my baby was too big to even bother trying an episiotomy!  After 2.5 hours of pushing I had to have a c-section.  Women and doctors all have different opinions about whether or not to get one or whether it's even necessary, but my advice to you is this:  First, punch your husband in the arm HARD and then polish that off with a purple nurple.  Then when he whines about it yell, "WELL I'M THE ONE WHO HAS TO HAVE THE BABIES SO SHUT UP!"  Then, consider this: I was absolutely freaked out too … mostly because people love to torture young wives with their war stories.  I won't lie, childbirth is a crazy experience!  So I guess in a way you're lucky no one told you about that lovely angle sooner!  What is your husband THINKING?  Does he NOT want kids or something?!

However it happens, you blow out your lady parts to get the baby out and THAT, my friend, is intimidating.  But don't let it stop you from procreating.  Billions of women have done it and survived (most of them without drugs and modern technology) and so can you.  I have absolutely no pain tolerance whatsoever and I still want more kids!  Hope that bolsters your nerves a bit.  Also?  There's drugs at the hospital.  Lots of them.

And when it's over, you get one of these:


More answers to your burning questions soon! 


7 thoughts on “Leeeeavin’ on a jet plane (with a baby and all her crapola)

  1. C. says:

    Lol! That was awesome.

    Okay, you calmed me down. Also? Yes, my husband is currently very frightened by the thought of babies. His main concern is that finances are tight, but he can relax because I just got into the M.A. program of my choice and I want to finish that first anyway. But I’m definitely taking your advice on the whole punching/purple-nurple thing. He is SO in for it!

  2. Caroline says:

    about the birth certificate, I did not start bringing one until elizabeth was 1.5 years. However, I have had friends asked for theirs. Better safe than sorry. I paid 60 bucks to get it expedited. take advantage of the free flying with babies under 2. We miss it already.

    my question is how did you and John meet?I know where you grew up etc.

  3. Lily says:

    I had to contain myself for busting out and snorting so loud I’d wake the girls earlier this morning. Thanks Manda! BTW, I’ve been asked for birth certificates before, but I’ve not had it on hand and was fine. Perhaps better safe than sorry. Every time I brought the breast pump with me, it got inspected. And, I was questioned about it, too.

  4. Rachel says:

    I talked to the TSA and the airline, a month ago. No birth certificate or identification of any kind is required until age 18, if the child is with the parent. We had no troubles at all.

    You can take the stroller all the way to where you step on the plane. You will gate check it. They will get it out for you right when you get off and you will be on your merry way.

    I suggest nursing (or giving a bottle) to Sidney while on take-off, she shouldn’t have any trouble after that.

    As far as breast milk, you are supposed to be able to take it. What I found in our trips through security is that all the workers are so enthralled by your baby that they don’t pay as much attention as they do normally. Oh, and yes you have to take the babies shoes off, I have no idea why.

  5. Jenny says:

    You’ll be fine flying with Syd. We did it 4 times with a 4-6 month old AROUND THE WORLD and it was fine. Immobile babies are usually pretty content on flights b/c of the white noise. I know you’re leaning towards bottles, but if you have a nursing cover, I would try breastfeeding so you don’t have to worry about it. And pack enough diapers to last you a day and just go to Target when you hit Denver. You can leave extras with Lily and not worry about over-packing. Oh, and carrying Syd thru airport security in the Baby Bjorn is totally the way to go. You don’t have to take her out and will have two free hands that way.

  6. larmar says:

    i slammed alex’s head into our iron headboard when i went to burp her. she was, uhm, like 5 days old. she wasn’t happy. neither was i. i was a wreck. her first booboo, given by that lady with the boobs. dang.

    let me know how the flight goes. that is one thing that i am petrified about… not knowing what to bring or how to bring it. and the whole crying the whole way thing.

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