Can we talk about the last ten pounds for a sec?
Back in March I turned a corner mentally and decided that rather than just complain about the crap in my life that was driving me nuts I would actually try and DO something about it, and one of the things I decided I would do was lose weight. I joined Weight Watchers online, figured out what my max b.m.i. is (150 pounds) and set my goal: I wanted to weigh in at 145 pounds by the time my daughter turned one.
On the morning of August 28 I weighed 154.5 pounds, my lowest weigh-in in the last FOUR YEARS (and then I commenced to eat birthday cake and ice cream and In-N-Out multiple times but that is another story for another day).
Now let me just crunch a few numbers for a bit. Back in March I weighed 183.5 pounds (I am 5'4" just to give you a little perspective on that). I wore a size 14. I looked like this:
And this is me after losing ten pounds, wearing a size 12:
And this is me after losing 20 pounds, size 12 jeans looking baggy:
And this is what I look like now, after losing 29 pounds, size 10:
Now after all that evidence and comparison and whatnot let me say that I could really give a hoot about numbers. When I get on the scale at different doctors every number is different. The relativity is what is more important to me … as in the difference between where I started on my scale at home and what it says now by comparison. When I weighed +29 pounds I was tired. Not just "I'm a new mom and I'm SO TIRED" tired. I was physically incapable of little more than caring for my daughter and lifting a fork to my mouth. Oh and the television remote could be muscled I suppose.
And be not fooled, the "caring for my daughter" thing is NOT a little thing as you moms out there know. Taking care of a baby 24/7 is THE HARDEST thing I've ever done bar none. What I didn't realize is how much the state of my body was interfering with everything else. For one, I hated taking my clothes off. Even when I was alone, but especially in front of my husband. Even though my husband? Is one of those men who likes MEAT on his woman (and who now COMPLAINS that I'm "too skinny" JUST ONE OF THE BILLION REASONS WHY I MARRIED HIM). I was uncomfortable sleeping without a bra, even when I was no longer breastfeeding. Every time my baby took a nap (back then it was twice a day) I HAD to take a nap too. I couldn't stay awake. And frankly? I needed to. I had life stuff, even simple things like cleaning the toilet or clipping my toenails, that desperately needed tending … not to mention returning phone calls or getting back to work. There was an increasing sense in my head that I was worthless, that I wasn't doing this mothering thing well enough, that I was neglecting my husband who needed his wife, that man could not live on canned beans alone and I needed to find the energy to get myself to the store EVEN WITH A BABY.
What I am trying to say is that even though I technically didn't reach my goal, I'm so glad that I set out to do this thing five months ago. Back then I really didn't think it was possible. Back then I would have been happy to lose any weight at all. I never thought I would weigh somewhere in the 150s ever again. I never thought I would feel this good again, that I would power through naptime with a cup of coffee and get the floors Swiffered and email checked, or that I would dare to go to Costco AND the grocery store on my own with Sydney both in the same day. I never thought I'd be comfortable – even feel sexy – in this new "mom body" I have, the skin on my stomach bagging and riddled with old stretch marks, my breasts a shadow of their former perky selves. I never thought I'd even TOY with the idea of running a half marathon again or being an athletic coach that could be taken seriously. I never thought I could survive a week at camp with high school students again … much less totally rock it out. I'm amazed by all this.
And so really? I'm not disappointed. I'm challenged. I'm ready to keep taking care of myself indefinitely, and who knows, maybe dropping this last nine pounds in the process. Right now I'm excited to become stronger, faster, healthier. To make better choices. To live a long life and dodge health problems. To be able to keep up with my wild daughter (!!!!!)! To go through another pregnancy one day and do it all differently and know while I'm doing it that I can bounce back, that I'm capable of more than I ever thought possible.
Last Ten Pounds? I'm coming for YOU!