How to clean poop out of the bathtub in 40 easy steps

1. Feed your daughter animal crackers, a popsicle, and a cheese quesadilla for dinner. Congratulate yourself on your (not) awesome parenting skills!

2. Strip the kid down to her diaper because she's covered in lime popsicle juice.

3. Follow her to the bathroom while she excitedly chants "PAAAHTYYY! PAAAAHTYY!!!!"

4. Take her diaper off in the bathroom, sit her on the potty.

5. SHE PEES! IN THE POTTY! HIGH FIVE!!

6. When she excitedly starts asking for "BAT!! BAT!!!" you are happy to start the bathwater! Your kid just peed in the potty! No matter that it's only 5:30! There must be some reward for the peeing! In the potty!

7. Plop her in the water and enjoy the awesome time she's having in her bath for 15 or so minutes.

8. Raise your eyebrows when she rips a huge fart in the water and then gives you that look.

9. Ask her in a sing-songy voice "Do you need to go poop?" she returns with a blank stare.

10. You don't give up! Ask again! "Hey, if you need to go poop, let's do it on your potty!" Blank stare.

11. She asks you to read to her. YOU KNOW WHAT'S UP. You read one book and do the silly voices, maybe THAT will distract her from pooping.

12. She gives you that look again. Repeat steps 9 & 10 about thirty times. More blank stare.

13. Read five more books in sing-songy high voice hoping and praying for NO POOP!

14. Decide that book number five is the last book. At the start of the book there is still no poop. You know you are pushing it.

15. But guess what! So is she.

16. By the time you get to the end of the three page bath book, she's done it. SHE POOPED ON YOU.

17. Get her out of the bath and sit her on the potty. Too late.

18. Try to get her fancy Winnie the Pooh bath towel over her head. It's on backwards. PANIC MODE! TURN THE TOWEL AROUND! POOP IS DRIPPING ON THE FLOOR!

19. Get her to her changing table. Now your arm is covered in poop.

20. Try to wipe her off as she screams "TEEEE! TEEEE!" as now is usually the time of the routine when she brushes her teeth.

21. Curse the routine. Get her brushing.

22. Go through about 30 baby wipes and realize that you put the diaper pail outside earlier in the day. AAAARRRRGH.

23. Get her lotioned up and in her pajamas somehow. Read books and cuddle in her room for the hour until bedtime.

24. Jesus loves you. She goes to bed without a fight thirty minutes early.

25. Avoid the bathroom completely and go out to the front of the house, which was earlier trashed by your crazy 20-month-old. Consider life on the run in Mexico.

26. Check email.

27. Check Facebook.

28. Tweet.

29. Print out a recipe for caramel brownies.

30. Load the dishwasher.

31. Bake the brownies.

32. Clean the front room.

33. Try to forget about the poop in the bathtub.

34. Go out to the garage to finally get the bleach. Forget why you're there. Come into the house with a load of clothes that need to be folded.

35. Tip toe into the bathroom. It's bad. Real bad.

36. Go back to the garage and get the bleach.

37. Scrub and rinse and disinfect for the better part of an hour. Talk yourself out of gagging four times.

38. Shower. HOT SHOWER.

39. Take to bed with brownies and a Brad Pitt movie.

40. The end.

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7 thoughts on “How to clean poop out of the bathtub in 40 easy steps

  1. Lily says:

    Awww, Manda. Good job on the pee, little Syd. Time to aim for the poop in the diaper or potty, NOT the tub. Not the tub. And, NOT on Mommy.

  2. Ashley says:

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t rush right back into the bathroom to clean up a poop mess. Sometimes you just need some internet therapy to psych yourself up for that kind of thing!

  3. anne nahm says:

    34. Go out to the garage to finally get the bleach. Forget why you’re there. Come into the house with a load of clothes that need to be folded.

    ahahahahahahaahaahahhaa! It’s like you are spying on my…
    …oooh! Something shiny.

    What?

  4. Sara says:

    Mmm…caramel brownies…those might, maybe, sort-of, make up for the poop. They had better be REALLY good brownies though!

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