This morning Syd was tearing apart the house. Quite literally. She is tall enough (above the 97th percentile for 20-month-old girls! OH YAY) to reach everything on the dressers and sinks in our house and let's just say one of my fave makeup brushes got lost down the sink. And an entire roll of toilet paper was unrolled! And she ate a Tums (the doctor said she'll be ok, I got her to spit 1/3 of it out)! And she locked herself out of the bathroom while I was in there using it and banged on the door and yelled "MAAAHMEEEEEE!" until I was done!
*stabs fork in eye*
Needless to say we needed to get out of the house. Real bad. Unfortunately for my hardworking/breadwinning husband we have a fantastic mall just a few miles from our house which houses a Forever 21, Old Navy, and a Target. There's a Starbucks in the Target. And you can get decaf Frappuccinos now! Parking is plentiful and everything is so shiny and clean! I'm allowed to push strollers and shopping carts! I LOVE IT THERE! Since I really can't chase after Syd on playground equipment right now our options are pretty limited. I guess we could have gone to the library or on a walk around the block or something. But uhm, guess which one I picked?
So there we were in Forever 21. Buying yet another pair of cheap $6 sunglasses. This is where I go when I must get out the house and MUST buy something. Usually its because a week has been particularly stressful.
This week has been stressful.
There have been two deaths in the family. One of my mom-in-law's best friends succumbed to cancer early in the week. It was expected and it was a sad relief that she is no longer in pain. The following day my husband's brother-in-law lost his aunt unexpectedly … she just died in her chair leaving behind her husband and two children, one of which is still in high school. It has been devastating for their family. The following day we got word that our dear friend Troy (husband of my Lily) has been hospitalized with a life-threatening case of pneumonia. He is a generally healthy and very in shape person and it is a total mystery to his doctors how he got so sick so fast.
And just last night we got a call that our precious niece Bella was admitted to the hospital with a kidney and/or bladder infection (we are still waiting on test results). They will be keeping her at least 7-10 days for antibiotics, tests, and observation.
I feel so terribly helpless this week. Physically I am stranded. We saw Dr. G this week and heard the baby's heartbeat, which was a wonderful relief. We also learned that I don't actually have placenta previa, but instead I have a low-lying anterior placenta. We have been itching to see our niece and also to visit my family in Denver so we asked him what he thought about travel. He said we have to wait and see what Dr. T (our perinatologist) says about our ultrasound on May 18. And he said even then if it's ok with Dr. T, I am not to travel on my own with Syd, and there are no "road trips" allowed (he did say the short flights to our two locations would be ok … checkups pending). I'd also have to come in for a cervix check a few days before our scheduled departure. IF.
It's always he big IF.
Everything frustrates me right now.
I am just sad.
I'm tired of being so helpless, even to just wear my own kid out by taking her to the park.
I'm having trouble counting my blessings. I mean, come on! I heard our baby's heart beating strong this week! My mom and sister live close to Lily and Troy so they have been able to help out with their kids and hospital stuff the last few days! I have a well and able-bodied husband! A healthy and spirited toddler! Our parents are not sick nor ailing!
Yet there are these constant reminders of limitations. Of mortality. Of the fragility of human life. How quickly it can come and go.
In the midst of all this I hear a voice speaking to me. It reminds me that there is more. That there is someone there who is not limited. Or mortal. Or fragile. Who does not quickly come and go. There is comfort in that for me. It quiets me down as I stare into the mirror at Forever 21 and wonder how these things can happen and who really cares. When I wonder if it will be my husband next, my Syd, my baby, me.
I can run to Target a thousand times, but it always fails to satisfy. I do not know what your week has been like, but maybe these words will bring you the comfort they bring me.
Have a great weekend,
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.