Prologue … 7:29 am – Wake to the insistent screeches of MAWMA! MAAAWMEEEEEEEE! Stumble into your toddler's room all bleary-eyed to discover your kid nekkid as a jaybird. She quite obviously has been up for a while "working." Laugh at the sweet joy of how cute she is and thank your lucky stars that she didn't pee!!
11:45 – Lunch is pushed away/thrown to the floor. Tell your toddler that if she is not going to eat any more lunch, then it is time to get her paci and blanket and go lie down in her bed and take a nap. Toddler seems agreeable. Toddler goes willingly into crib.
11:47 – Hear the whimpers of "Mama? Mommy? Mawmuhhh? MAHMEEEEEEEE!" start to kick up. Force yourself outside to water the tomatoes so as to not wilt to the pressure. Reassure yourself that she will eventually fall asleep. Maybe. And if not? She needs a little quiet time in her crib. Steel yourself and repeat "I CLAIM YOU NAP TIME! YOU ARE MINE!"
12:01 – Poke your head inside and hear that the demands for "Mama" have quelled to quiet chitter chatter, ABCs and counting "One – twoooo – freeeee – pourrrr – fiiiiigh – sooooocks – seben – eighhhhh – nighhh …"
12:28 – Come back inside. The sound of the screen door kicks the counting back into the MAWMEEES. Waffle between going to rescue your child and taking a much needed shower.
12:31 – Decide on the shower and fully expect to find your kid in her crib with her head spinning in anger by the time you're done.
12:45 – Out of the shower to … silence? Could this be? She's asleep? There is no rustling or noise. You press your ear to the monitor to see if you can hear anything at all. Nope. Get dressed.
12:48 – Now dressed, start to wonder if she's ok. Maybe she fell out of her crib in an escape attempt and is now lying in the floor in a pool of blood?
12:51 – Burn a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch and fret at your computer.
1:15 – Finally, FINALLY she stirs. She immediately WEEPS UNCONTROLLABLY. You call your husband to wonder hopefully if he'll be home early today? Nope.
1:17 – Get to your child's bedroom to find your weeping, despondent toddler sitting up in the middle of her crib with her head in her hands, no lovie blanket (which is terribly necessary for sleep, thank goodness there's an acceptable backup lovie blanket). Sweep up your poor baby into your arms, wrap her in her blanket and take her to the glider, where she immediately passes out on your chest with the beloved corner of her blanket grasped in her fist.
1:23 – Still rocking with your baby clutched to your chest, feel like crying as you wonder how long her blanket has been on the floor where she couldn't get it. Feel like the worst mother EVER. Feel like a HUGE JERK. Wish to yourself that your kid had just said, "MAWMA! BWANKET!" so that you'd known the problem OVER AN HOUR AGO.
1:24 – Wish that your silly diva toddler had not thrown her blanket on the floor outside her crib in an obvious attempt to "SHOW YOU, MAWMA!"
1:51 – Finally find the will to put your poor, pathetic, emotionally-exhausted firstborn back in her crib. Consider running to the candy drawer for comfort as you are The Worst Mother Ever. Write about it on the internet instead and save the candy drawer for the moment you hit publish.
2:21 – Candy time.