In celebration of my 33rd week of pregnancy, I've decided to share my style secrets with all you mama wannabes out there. CHECK IT!
1. Hair is probably the most important part of this entire look. First? Go to Target and buy a five-pack of black cloth headbands. Then? DO NOT WASH YOUR HAIR. Actually? Don't even bother to brush it. Just yank it back into a ponytail. Then put on the black headband to cover the greasy parts. Don't even bother with your dry shampoo. You look SEXAY just the way you rolled out of bed, baby!!
2. Just for fun, put on a little makeup while your kid hollers at you about DIAPER CHANGE or some such nonsense from behind the baby gate you've set up at the threshold of your bedroom. Be sure to poke yourself in the eye with both your mascara wand AND your eyeliner pencil! Do it HARD so you have to go to the bathroom and wash out your contact lenses, then come back to the mirror and clean up your eyes with 34 Q-tips and basically start ALL OVER AGAIN. Swab on some cheap pressed powder and your 10+ year old blush and get ready to WOW EM at Target!
3. Have your new iPhone handy at all times so you can accidentally drop it on the floor and/or finally give in to your toddler's protests for her SHOW … so she can just chuck it under the candy rack while you're in line at the grocery store. Don't accept help when someone tries to get it for you! Oh-ho-NO! Get down on all fours and stick your butt up HIGH so ALL CAN SEE THE GLORY!
4. Dribble something on your clean (and now too-small) maternity shirt 5 mins after you put it on and refuse to change it. It'll keep 'em guessing.
5. Don't forget your HUGE BABY BELLEH! It'll attract ALL KINDS of attention! Want strangers to touch you? Tell you you look like you're about to EXPLODE and/or give birth to octuplets? Play stroller chicken with you and cut you off on your way to the door, the checkout line, the diaper aisle, hell ANYWHERE? Don't forget to be hugely pregnant. It's hot. Both literally AND figuratively.
6. Squeeeeze on your wedding ring, sister. You have three you usually wear at once, but you can only fit on one at a time? Who gives?! Your finger's turning purple and you're bleeding? MAKE IT HAPPEN! It may be stylish to be a pregnant girlfriend these days, but you know where it's at. No one's knocking YOU up without blingbling!
7. Wear your maternity shirt just a wee bit too small (because I don't have to tell YOU this, but just for the record the set that says "clothes that fit are more flattering" – I'm looking at YOU Stacey and Clinton! – are obviously out of their minds. We all know that dressing in clothes that leave NOTHING to the imagination is the STYLE for the 8-months-pregnant! That's why we DO IT! IT'S OUR CHOICE!). So LAYER! C'mon it's SUMMER! Time to PILE IT ON! It's not like you have anything to HIDE because your pregnant belly hanging out of the bottom of your shirt is ATTRACTIVE. Just LAYER. Pull that camisole down to your knees, baby. Make the small shirt WORK. Keep 'em WONDERING.
8. Ooh look! Dress it UP! Wear jean shorts instead of your usual stretchy black yoga/gaucho/leggings-as-pants pants! From the runway to the sidewalk HOT MAMA!
9. Don't make your bed. You're too glam to make your bed.
10. Oh! You totally did this bright shiny spot on the wall on PURPOSE! You painted every room in your house with washable semi-gloss paint because it's AWESOME! Avant guard, even! Yes, it also happens to be washable and kid-friendly but that was just a happy coincidence.
Have stylish kids too, they make great accessories (thanks Aunt Becky!).