In one month plus a few days we will be a family of four. I cannot even begin to imagine what it will be like to have two children. For the most part I have come to grips with many good things, the most important of which is this: I am firm in my stance that Sydney will be a doting, amazing big sister. You should SEE this little girl baby her stuffed Mickey Mouse. He gets diaper changes, pacis, she even shares her lovie blankets with him! She now pats and kisses my belly and calls it "baby bruver" and "Rocky." I expect many, many bumps as far as transitioning a new member into our family, but I really do have this sense of almost magical relief that she will be ok and that she will love her little brother.
And because I am crazy, I am already wondering how many more children we will have. And when. Will there be more after our son is born? We are almost positive that yes, we'd like at least one more. But how long will we wait? How will it go with two? Can I really handle another complicated pregnancy with TWO children?
It's not an impatient thing. Right now it's a romantic "wondering" thing. I know good and well that in about two months when someone asks me "so when's the NEXT ONE coming?!" that I'll likely feel like stabbing their eyes out with a fork.
But right now I'm just in love with it all, ok? I'm having a "babies! BABIES! BABIES!!!!" moment. I'm on the tail end (thank the Lord!) of a pregnancy that I hope is not my last. But we haven't decided, so it could be. We haven't met this boy yet and don't know if his arrival will make our family feel complete. We test out different names for him in our private talks at home (yep! That's right! Still not settled on a name!) and wonder if there will be other children to name again one day. And who knows? Maybe my body just can't handle another pregnancy and we won't have a choice about it at all.
It seems so strange to talk about any of this when parenting one child is hard enough. When I am still so huge and pregnant and tired and ready to just be done with it already. We are still so naive about what it will be like to have two! But here I am. In the sweet spot where I know that it won't be long until I meet my son, where I get to enjoy my "only child" just a little bit longer. I am staring down at my pregnant belly and wondering what the future holds for our little family. I sit on the bed in my son's room folding his little clothes and matching up little socks and cannot even fathom what it will be like to hold a small baby in my arms again, much less what it will be like to look eye-to-eye with my own children (and don't even get me started on my thoughts on one day having a teenage boy towering over me! WEEP!). When I hold my daughter's sweet little face in my hands and smooch on her cheeks I wish the years ahead will come slowly, that time will linger and dawdle so I can soak up more and not forget.
And yet here I am. With a two-year-old. Married to the man who I've loved like crazy for nearly a decade. A baby boy almost ready to live on the outside of my womb. It seems like only yesterday I was a young woman wondering what my life would be like ten years into the future. I couldn't fathom then how blessed, how sweet, how full it would be. Goodness knows what I will be looking back on ten years from now, how as I sit here on my bed and dream about it I know full well that it will be more amazing and awesome than I could ever comprehend.
In a strange, small room in my brain … I just can't wait to find out what I will see.
But then again? Maybe I can wait.
Just a little bit longer.