We are officially on a (weigh-in) rollercoaster

The past few weeks have been depressing weigh-in wise. I've waffled between trying really hard to stay on track with healthy eating (and doing awesome!) and totally tossing the baby out with the bathwater and shoveling cookies down my pie-hole two at a time (Pie! That sounds good!).

The main issue I feel like I'm struggling with right now is nursing and Weight-Watching. Guys? I'm hungry ALL THE TIME. And since the baby has been experiencing A LOT of growth over the past few weeks, you guessed it, he's nursing almost non-stop. It's crazy. I eat a normal-sized dinner, practically lick the plate, and yet? Five minutes later I'm starving again and could eat second helpings of everything. Last week I found this to be really depressing for some reason. There I am, ten o'clock at night, chugging a huge glass of water and nibbling on a Fiber One bar and practically burning a hole through my fridge door because I know there are leftover red beans and rice in there and THAT IS WHAT I REALLY WANT.

So you know what I did this week? I tried listening to my body. When it told me I was hungry, I ate. I did my best to keep myself hydrated. I did not count one single point. I decided that if I gained even more weight I didn't care. I was tired of being depressed for gaining weight and on top of it being hungry. I made healthful meals, but I also allowed myself indulgences when I needed them. And you know what? I needed a few extra pieces of pizza and a hot chocolate AND a cinnamon roll on Saturday night. For the past two weeks I have nursed my son almost non-stop, every two hours or so, only getting a six-ish hour break at night. I have been tired and stressed out. I cut myself a freaking break for once.

I was really not looking forward to stepping on the scale yesterday because I'd totally thrown caution to the wind. I didn't know what to expect.

But the wind threw a little caution back at me:

Photo(21)
-1.8 pounds
(don't worry, the wind also cautioned me to paint my dang toenails)

Now, yes, I know that this doesn't seem like anything significant. It puts me back to the same weight that I've been at for two other weigh-ins. But this past week has taught me that it's ok to listen to my body when it's hungry. It's ok. My friend Annie actually wrote a really inspiring post about that this week. While I don't think I need to indulge as much as I did this week (I am definitely an emotional eater), I think I need to realize that my body is "on duty" right now … I am providing a baby with his only form of sustenance. He's growing SO WELL and I need to be proud of the little Michelin Man he's become! The last time I did Weight Watchers I was done nursing Sydney and the weight just fell off fast. It was really encouraging and I think I only had one or two weeks of plateau and one of gain after I'd already lost 20+ pounds.

I need to remind myself that my body is in a different state these days. That the weight has to come off more slowly and I am more dependent on food as a form of fuel right now than ever. I need to remind myself that exercising has to become some part of my routine, even if it's just pushing my giant stroller down to the coffee shop for a skinny decaf latte (I also did that this week and it was very good for the soul).

All this being said, I've also realized that I probably won't win The Biggest Blogging Loser. Even though I am a very competitive person, I'm totally ok with that. Which makes me realize even more that I am doing this for the right reasons: For my health. For my family. For myself.

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9 thoughts on “We are officially on a (weigh-in) rollercoaster

  1. Erica says:

    I totally agree with your new plan. Breast feeding is REALLY demanding in so many ways. And so is pregnancy and it wasn’t that far off for you. You need to EAT. I would put that dang scale away for a little while. I thought I would never stop being starving and it took me a while after breast feeding to go back to normal. But once your body calms down it’s so easy to lose weight again. Be good to yourself – take care of yourself and the baby. Eat what you need.

  2. Lily says:

    You are eating for two of you, Manda: you and your son. This is different from being pregnant. . . As a breastfeeding veteran, eat what you feel is needed (just not EVERYTHING in an ice cream shop, okay?). You’re doing a great job. Don’t let numbers on a scale tell you otherwise.

  3. Bridget says:

    It’s SO hard to lose weight while nursing. I think I gained and lost the same ten pounds over and over again. You’re tired, hungry, haven’t got a ton of time, and just want to eat dammit!

    I had to try and focus on reaching for fruits and veggies, and tons of water, and that seemed to help – and I wish I had learned that lesson sooner!

    The one exercise that I could seem to maintain (besides walking) was working out with an exercise ball (there’s videos on youtube).

  4. nanette says:

    You’re doing great, mama! I think listening to your body, especially when you’re providing such important nutrition for such an important little one, is the way to go.

  5. Shauna says:

    Good job!! In a way I think breast feeding is just like pregnancy. You’re still eating for two, but your body is feeding a baby a lot bigger than the one in your belly! You’re doing a great job and listening to your body is so important!

  6. ANNIE says:

    Oh Manda. I think you’re doing great. It is so hard – everything about the adjustment of bringing a new baby home, but especially balancing your desire to be back to “yourself” (in every way) with the reality of your current situation. I think that, at this stage of the game, listening to your body’s cues is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your baby.

    I’m touched that you found my story inspiring. It’s a constant battle, coming to peace with yourself. Tim always reminds me to look at the boys. When I’m discontented, when I’m snarling at myself in the mirror, he says, “look at the boys. Look what your body made.” Sometimes I feel like, “easy for you to say!” but he’s right. I know I said it to you before, but it just kept coming back to me while I was reading this post again. To be able to look at your two beautiful children and say, “this is my body which I have given up for you…” continuously helps me put things back into perspective.

    I think that getting out, getting exercise, getting distracted are some of the best things you can do for yourself right now. I don’t mean distracted from eating – obviously your body is telling you that it needs the nourishment!- but distracted from the frustration. Even now, a year past where you are with Elijah, I find that getting out even for the shortest time or most mundane task can DRASTICALLY change the course of my day. My outlook on life is 100% better when I’ve had a change of scenery, a breath of fresh air, a bit of exercise. And if that must include a cup of coffee well then SO BE IT. 🙂

    If I lived closer I’d walk with you. A walk, a visit, a cup of coffee and a chat with a friend? My favorite things.

  7. little miss mel says:

    Hang in there girl!! I can’t imagine how taxing breastfeeding full-time truly is since it never worked out for me.

    Doing all of that AND trying to lose weight seems impossible. Any progress is impressive.

    Good for you for giving yourself a break!

  8. Sam says:

    I wouldn’t diet while nursing, but I would listen to what your body is saying. I was so hungry when I was nursing exclusively I might have killed and eaten someone for even suggesting I reduce my intake. And I would have boiled their bones to make soup. I was that hungry.

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