Woe is me … scale

Well, big shock, I'm here to tell you I gained weight this week.

DSC01785 +1.2 pounds

I'm pretty down about this whole idea that I can't lose the weight I want to right now. I'm so tired from being awoken at 4 or 5 every morning by my little boyfriend that I've pretty much said "Screw you!" to my diet. Not only am I not counting points, I'm not even bothering to try to eat healthy. If there's a carb in my house, I have shoveled it down my gullet.

On Sunday night my husband was out of town and I was exhausted and lonely and feeling sorry for myself so I made a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Save the two dozen I gave to a neighbor, I ate most of the rest. Every time I went into the kitchen I grabbed two, shoved them in my mouth and hoovered the crumbs off the palms of my hands. Yesterday I stood at the stove and ate 5 pieces of a frozen pizza while swaying and trying to soothe a grumpy baby who needed a nap (have I mentioned that my son refuses to nap during the day unless he's strapped to my body, or in my arms, or has a boob in his mouth? To say that I'm behind on my chores would be a severe, laughable understatement). I shotgun Fiber One granola bars two at a time. All I eat is carbs and I am still hungry all the time. I consider it a victory if I get any semblance of dinner on the table at all, who has the time to calculate the points value of a recipe or worry about whether it has potatoes or empty calories? Who has time to chop vegetables and then time to EAT said vegetables (food that must be chewed! Imagine that!). NOT ME.

And don't even mention working out. If you think I am going to waste precious naptime working out you are sorely mistaken. And let me just remind you that it has been four months since I got through an entire shower without a baby melting down into a screamy temper tantrum because for 10-15 minutes I cannot be seen and more importantly he is not being held. Heaven help me.

There has to be a happy medium. A balance. I just can't find it yet. I am waiting to hit my stride. WHEN will it happen? GAH.


10 thoughts on “Woe is me … scale

  1. Elsha says:

    I don’t think anyone can hit their stride while sleep deprived. I know I can’t. I really didn’t hit my stride with two kids until Will was like 9 months old and started sleeping through the night and then started taking real actual naps during the day. (Of course, he is currently in his crib LOUDLY protesting a nap at this very moment. You win some you lose some.)

    Also, I totally believe in the “9 months on 9 months off” in terms of baby weight.

  2. Parsing Nonsense says:

    You might actually feel better about yourself and your life if you eat differently. Like, one of those ‘everything else is out of control but at least you’re feeding yourself well’ kinds of things?

  3. Kerri Anne says:

    I’m sorry it’s been a rough week, but I wanted to comment to say (hello! and) your transparency is totally rad.

    And as sappy as this probably sounds, I totally believe in you and your ability to keep rocking your body (and your diet) the way you want to. We all have ridiculous days (and weeks and months even!), but keep hanging in there. You’ll find your balance, and when you do it will all be totally worth it.

  4. Lizzie says:

    Another reason for you to live next door to me so that I can eat your cookies for you and trade you for spinach salad. And maybe throw in a “This too shall pass” sorta hug? xo

  5. Sarah in Ottawa says:

    Manda, I can’t tell you when you’ll be through this, but I have NOTHING but SYMPATHY. I am in the same boat (just turned 2, 5 months) and it’s a MAJOR success for me to unload the dishwasher, do laundry, shower, and prep dinner in the same day. My standards? So incredibly low.

    Don’t beat yourself up. You are doing amazing, amazing work. And you’re feeding a baby with your body! You’ll find a groove soon. You’re awesome. GO YOU!

  6. J. says:

    I agree with the previous commenter about sleep–if I’m short on sleep, it seems that nothing else will fall into place.

    And you’re doing great! You’re being a mom and a wife and living to blog about it.

    I do have a suggestion for you. Of course, I wouldn’t take any kind of eating advice from me who is 11 months more post-partum than you and 20 pounds further from her ideal weight than you, but here it is FWIW. You wrote “All I eat is carbs and I am still hungry all the time.” I find when I eat carbs they make my hungry for more carbs, but if I can not eat them in the first place, I do better. If I can eat a protein-y breakfast, I don’t crave carbs and can hold out longer; if I eat that first oatmeal chocolate chip cookie that I made for my friend because she just had a baby and oatmeal is good for her milk production but then I had to keep some for my own family, I will have to eat more and more cookies throughout the day just to keep this carbavore happy. Just a thought. From someone who is on the 9 Months On, 18 Months Off plan and losing time quickly.

  7. Rachel says:

    Manda, don’t be so hard on yourself. Your son will eventually sleep without being held and you will eventually be able to eat a normal meal again. Make a date with yourself to focus on weight loss more in a few weeks when things have settled some.

  8. Sarah says:

    My heart is going out to you right now. I sooooo understand. My daughter is 3 and my son just turned 1 last month and I am JUST now getting back on the diet/exercise train. The dance of toddler/babyhood is rough. I hope and pray you can find a place of grace for yourself. I’ve spent too much time beating myself up for not being super mom/wife. To learn to let go and enjoy chaos is an art. And like most great art, it takes time to perfect. You can, will and are doing it! (BTW, you have a wonderful blog.)

  9. Shauna says:

    I completely sympathize with you! I had one of the worst weeks eating wise last week. My problem is, if I don’t calculate something, if I don’t make good choices in the beginning of the day? It’s ALL down hill after that. So I try and tough it out through out the day and then when I really want something “bad” later I think that all the hard work I did would be ruined and that sometimes helps.
    You have to cut yourself a little bit of slack because one, you have an infant and we all know how unpredictable they can be and two, you are feeding an infant! Just don’t be so hard on yourself and don’t give up! Every single day is a new day, a new day to start back on track, and even if you mess up by night time every day for a week, you aren’t giving up đŸ™‚

  10. Mama Bub says:

    4-6 months was a period of major woe for us. For some reason, seven months was a major turning point. To be perfectly honest though, most days are just a carb fest and I keep telling myself that my nursing body NEEDS and DESERVES these things. And you know what? For a while, I’m just going to let those thing be true.

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