This is your brain on Diet Coke

You know how on 30 Rock Liz Lemon always slaps crap out of Lutz's hands? If you ever see me drinking a Diet Coke after 4 pm, you have total license to do EXACTLY that to me.

Let me paint you a little picture:

The other night we were out for dinner. I knew that it was going to be a late-ish night and that we'd be putting the kids down late, so I decided that instead of ordering my usual Water With Lemon and making my husband order a Diet Coke so I could take shots of it, I decided that I am a Big Girl and I want my OWN Diet Coke (can you tell that I hang with a preschooler every day?). So yeah. I drank (and thoroughly enjoyed!) my Diet Coke AND a refill of that Diet Coke and I would have drunk more MORE MORE if the service had been any better.

Fast forward four hours. The kids are in bed, the house is shut down. My husband is passed out next to me. I am exhausted. My stomach hurts. I am jittery. I'm alternating between the chills and the sweats. I start wondering … what on earth is wrong with me? I start freaking out to the tune of "OH NO I HAVE THE STOMACH FLU?!" My body is so tired that I'm literally shaking. I can feel my legs and arms in total sleep mode but my eyes won't shut and my mind will NOT turn off. I'm lying in bed worrying about spending the next two days puking my guts out, then the kids will get it and I WILL DIE, then that turns to "Did we lock the front door?" (yes) "Is the baby ok? IS HE BREATHING IN THERE?" (yes) "Are those t-shirts I bought at H&M going to fit me?" (NO) and so on and so forth until around 1 am I remember the Diet Coke. The Damn Diet Coke.

Upon this revelation I stumble out of bed at 1:25 AM, dump the contents of my medicine cabinet all over our microscopic bathroom trying to find the Benadryl. I somehow find it, slug one, go back to bed.

And I wake up 7 hours later with dry mouth feeling like I went on a frathouse keg bender. And I have to nurse a baby and fix a bossy little person her WA-FULL, MAW-MA!

The moral of the story? Just say no to the caffeine, Manda.

The more you know! *shooting star*


7 thoughts on “This is your brain on Diet Coke

  1. Charlotte says:

    Okay. It is three in the morning, I am sitting on my couch nursing a Starbucks iced coffee, black (to cope with my lack of Diet Coke until the next Costco run) handling by backlog of work. Where exactly *is* Liz Lemon when you need her?

    I genuinely believe that one day I’ll be in a gutter somewhere, surrounded by crushed cans of Diet Coke and cupcake papers, muttering to myself about my youth. Point: Just say no to caffeine.

  2. Elsha says:

    Posts like this make me SO GLAD I am not a “person sensitive to caffeine.” Insomniac yes, but my caffeine consumption has almost nothing to do with it. So if I ever see you drinking a diet coke after 4 pm I’ll be sure to slap it out of your hand. And then drink it myself.

  3. Jessica says:

    I can’t have caffeine at all. Even iced tea. It makes me all jittery and I can’t sleep even I drank it in the morning. It’s really annoying because I pretty much can’t drink anything but water when we’re out. I’m so sensitive to it, I actually get a caffeine buzz from the tiny amount in decaf coffee. I like that, though. There are some days you really need some caffeine, so at least I can get it from decaf!

  4. Monte says:

    Dude! Manda you crack me up! (And if I ever see you with a Coke, I’ll take it away and buy you a Pepsi 🙂

  5. Jen says:

    That is me. I can’t have anything with caffeine other than coffee in the morning (and that is more NEED than WANT. ha) I will be up for DAYS if I have any. And I am driven nearly insane by insomnia. gah.

  6. Lady in a Smalltown says:

    I know just what you mean. If I have a caffeinated soda with lunch I will not sleep enough or well. My dad can have a bunch of Cokes for dinner and he is fine, but if he even smells coffee he is up all night.

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