Just now I stood over the Keurig machine and sighed HARD. Because the thing would not hurry the hell up and make my coffee. That's right. The Keurig was not fast enough. I think this speaks volumes about the state of my life and my brain these days. Even as I type this, Juicy Thatdangdog (this is the latest conjugation of his name, you see), is scratching at the window behind my head barking his face off because he wants his dinner. GET IN LINE, YOU FAT BASSET. It seem like everyone needs something all the time. And I'm so tired I sometimes wonder if my head is about to roll right off my body, bounce a few times, and make its way out the front door.
It doesn't help that it's been two weeks (or has it been three? I'm not really even sure what day it is now so it's anyone's guess!) since I got a solid night of sleep. First there was Elijah's nine-month sleep regression. And teething! And pre-crawling! And then I sneezed too close to his door as I passed by to go to bed in my room and he was up for two hours! Whee!
And then there's this other thing: His sister is nearly three and therefore has no Inside Voice. And if she sees him napping or drifting off to sleep she's all "HEY MOM? IS ELIJAH SLEEPING?! HE'S NOT SLEEPING?!" and then it's all over. The poor kid never naps, I never get a break, we try to get them to bed early but invariably they go to bed at the same time anyway and then a few hours later one or the other is up in the night and then suddenly it's 6 am and we're up for the day and NO! ONE! NAPS!
(Asleep at the car wash while Sister's at preschool. Survival mode.)
I'm frustrated because I know that right now? These are the golden days in my life with our kids. I want to enjoy every single second. But I am too easily frustrated and irritated and stressed out. I don't have the energy I want because I don't get enough rest (and so any time to myself – on the rare occasion I get it – is wasted on zoning out or catching up on chores that I cannot manage with my little people hanging off me). I don't respond the way I want to when things are challenging. I put on the t.v. too long. I growl when I lurch out of bed again to tend to someone who needs me.
Is it any wonder that I'm feeling a little nutty and brain-dead and under-caffeinated? Any time anyone asks me how I'm doing I'm a broken record: "I'm ok. So tired. Hanging in there." But that is the best I can do. If my husband suggests doing anything more labor-intensive than watching a movie before bed I quite literally laugh in his face. Scrabble?! OH HA HA HA NO. It's all I think about as I drag myself around. I bemoan it because I'm fully aware that one day I will long for little hands to reach for me! To hear a small voice call for Mama! I should be soaking this up now before it's too late!
There should have been some kind of evolutionary leap that allows mothers to survive (and thrive!) on little to no sleep. Because this is getting out of hand.
(and this is the mantra/prayer I am saying to myself all the time. Heaven help me.)