Last week I somehow figured out how to get both of my kids to take a nap after lunch. On Wednesday afternoon I found myself showered and lounging on my (unmade) bed. I'd gotten to the "end of this internet." I found myself wondering … what on earth I should do!?
And of course, this lady came to mind:
(dang her) (I ordered Ripped in 30) (Which probably means I should give it a try) (crap)
And this gal really inspires me. I seriously want to high five her and hug her and thank her for being herself and showing the world that this is what women look like. We have babies and we kick butt and we're awesome. So there:
Inevitably when I have any time to myself and I don't make the best use of it (ie lounging on my bed reading blogs) my mind turns to self-care. I stepped on the scale last week and it read 166. Still 20 pounds away from my goal weight.
About 4 months ago before our sleep schedules fell apart and we went on a family vacation (July 4), I quietly recommitted myself to Weight Watchers and lost six (more) pounds. It felt really good to take charge of what I was eating again. It felt good to notice a difference in my energy level and to finally pack up and put away the size 14 pants. During that time I also cut my hair off, which was a huge psychological hurdle for me to cross (mentally I thought I had to lose the weight before I could cut my hair off … something about looking like a fat pinhead without my hair to hide behind. And I was feeling very fat and ugly and was definitely hiding behind my hair). Those things combined helped me have an amazing spring and summer (so far) mentally.
In the months following Elijah's birth I struggled a lot with issues of anxiety and I seriously considered seeking couseling and/or medication for it. At the end of my rope I sat down at the dinner table with John one night and confessed to him how I was feeling (which in a nutshell was that I was freaking out over really small things and bad things that might possibly happen … but that also might not and that I generally felt like I was losing my mind), which was the first step. The next day I decided that before I sought professional help that I was going to try and take better care of myself for a while and see how it went. I decided that I was going to fight really hard to NOT feel guilty about taking time for myself to do things like work out, shower, make myself a healthy meal, etc.
It worked. And over a period of weeks I felt myself coming back. I did the 30 Day Shred every day for two weeks straight. I counted points on WW. I figured out a system for showering (I would like to thank Netflix streaming and the inventor of the exersaucer for making it possible!). I cut my caffeine intake down to one cup of regular in the morning and I drank decaf for the second. It's also no coincidence that around that time my son turned 6 months old, began eating solid foods, and started to sleep through the night. It was all balm on my weary soul.
And now, fast forward to August 2011. I'm feeling good, despite being very sleep-deprived this last month. I see lights at the end of my tunnel: Syd starts Tuesday/Thursday preschool two mornings a week this September at the fantastic co-op preschool in our neighborhood. I have signed up to run both the LA 13.1 (in January) and the LA Marathon (in March) with my husband and we are doing it for a cause we think it pretty awesome: Clean water in Kenya. We have found a reliable babysitter and go out to dinner or the movies as husband and wife a few times a month. And I will very tentatively state that once in a while? My kids take a coordinated nap in the afternoon.
And so it feels like a good time to shift things into the next gear. This month I've been off the Weight Watchers wagon; it's time to climb back on. I have not cursed the day Jillian Michaels was born for a while; time to open that new DVD and get to work. I have not started running yet; It's time to start training. It's time for me to really get serious about living well. Because I am never a finished product, and because it matters that I feel good now … not just in 20 pounds or whenever my kids decide to sleep. Because if I feel good? I can be the best mom and wife possible to the people I value most.
And that matters.