No husbands were actually harmed in the writing of this blog post

The other day I stumbled out of bed at a blessedly late hour (around 9 am!) because my husband's schedule was arranged so that he could get up with the kids. We have both been struggling with the Bubonic Plague terrible colds so that extra time to sleep in was super precious. I came out, set my phone down on top of my laptop so I wouldn't forget where it was somewhere or other and got immediately to the business of coffee. I'm sorry, it probably sounds terrible, but I look SO forward to that cup of hot coffee in the morning it's not even funny. Sure, I get the kids up, Syd goes potty and Elijah gets his diaper changed, we turn on Sesame Street … but there is no way I can function enough to get breakfast together unless I've had at least a couple sips. I allow myself ONE cup of caffeinated coffee in the morning and I LOVE IT. The end.

Because my daughter is super smart and sneaky, she always seems to know where I've set my phone and has devised several strategies for getting her hands on it (even though I now have it passcode locked so I AM THE BOSS OF MY PHONE! Ahem). On this particular morning I set myself up for theft: The computer was on the table within her reach, and thus the phone on top of it was ripe for the picking. 

Nevertheless, I got my coffee, relished not having to feed the kids because Daddy had already done it (yay!), and then when the babysitter arrived not long after I stumbled back to my room to get showered and dressed for the Very Important Errands I needed to complete that morning, one of which was Sydney's doctor appointment. While I was getting ready John headed off to work, and I came out to collect my things and my girl with just enough time  to spare. I was going to be ON TIME somewhere for ONCE in my life! Imagine it! The ladies who work at the doctor's office who think I'm such a bonehead will be SO IMPRESSED!

Can't you just hear the universe laughing its butt off?! OH HA HA FUNNY MANDA NICE TRY.

So I get my purse, I get my child, I even remember the immunization card (dude! stellar!), and the the stuff I need to register the kids for mommy and me class, AND the stuff I need to return to the store. I WIN!

But where is my phone?

No. Seriously. WHERE IS IT?

Of course, I immediately address my three-year-old: "Syd? Where is Mama's phone?"

Since she is just three she has not quite learned to lie to me about such things yet. If she's been messing with it she usually replies with a chipper "Oh! It's right over here, Mama! Under my doll!" But on this particular day she just shrugged and went back to singing "The Mermaid Song" (which is truthfully the bad assest mashup of "Part of Your World" and "Jingle Bells" EVAR. My kid is so cool right now!). Which means I go into Scan Mode and try to find the stupid thing in all my usual spots. Not on the shelf above the coffee maker. Not on the bookcase. Not on my nightstand. Not on the mantle. Not in the bathroom (what? You know you do it too). Not in my purse (I know because I dumped the mother out). Not in my pockets (sometimes I lose things in my pockets OKAY?). I look under the chair. Under the couches. I ask the babysitter to call it a few times and because she is a sport she does and still … nothing. I asked her to call my husband and ask him if he'd stashed it somewhere and his answer was a firm:

"I did not touch her phone this morning!"

Ahem.

Well. I finally gave up and had to leave the house naked without my phone. I was 15 minutes late to the doctor AGAIN. We finally get in, we get all weighed and measured by the nurse, the doctor comes in and we're going through the checkup and my husband unexpectedly bursts through the door, wielding the lost phone!! Hooray! And of course I ask him (because I would be an amazing detective): "Where did you find it?!"

His reply?

"In my pocket." That's right everyone. He said: IN. MY. POCKET.

 

And then I killed him.

 

(psst! I wrote an update on what shall now be known as the City Flats Debacle over on Style Lush. It ended in princess shoes … not red flats?! I know! Makes total sense to me too!)

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7 thoughts on “No husbands were actually harmed in the writing of this blog post

  1. HereWeGoAJen says:

    My husband makes me look all over the house for the television remote. And then we find it in his pocket. But not every time, no, that would be too easy. Sometimes he puts it on top of the refrigerator instead. Sometimes he is sitting on it. Yes, SITTING ON IT AND DOESN’T NOTICE.

  2. Elsha says:

    HA! Kalena is forever running off with my ipod touch, which is why I’m glad I don’t actually have an iPhone. My actual phone she leaves alone.

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