I've been trying to find the time and space to write about running my first marathon. But nearly a month later, in the wake of my mother-in-law's accident and surgery (she fell on the Tuesday following the race) it's hard to talk about. And yet I don't feel like I can talk about anything else here until I talk about the marathon. I owe that to myself. I owe that to you.
My husband tells me all the time that I never talk about my accomplishments or brag on myself. I want to say, Dude I have a BLOG. Bloggers are the CHAMPS at tooting their own horns!
The truth is that I'm really good at cataloguing my failures. I can quantify any good thing with a negative angle.
I trained my butt off to run that marathon. But I hurt my knee two weeks before the race anyway. Maybe I really didn't train well enough. I should have tried harder to lose that last 10 pounds.
Sure, I finished the marathon. In just under six hours, when my goal was to do it in under five.
Yes, 62 people received the gift of clean water because I ran a half marathon and a full marathon. But I wanted 100 people to receive that gift.
Wow, running a marathon is kind of a big deal. But it's really not that big of deal when compared to all my mother-in-law is going through right now.
All of this is just to say that I'm working through it mentally. I am going to write about it. But I needed to get this out of the way. I needed to say out loud that it feels selfish to write about it. That I'm in this weird mental place where anything I do for myself or say about myself just feels … selfish. And I know that's unhealthy. It's not helping anyone, me or my family or anyone around me.
But (here comes the quantifier!) the last month has been hard, DUH. I am stretched thin. It's not just the marathon or Melody's accident. John is traveling this month and I am on my own with the kids a lot right now. We all got sick with colds … again. Preschool is stressing me the crap out and I can't even pinpoint WHY. I am still catching up on housework and laundry and neither of those things seem to ever, ever end. We had to get new tires on one of the cars and I would have rather had that eight hundred bucks to spend on burritos at Chipotle. I signed up for the Chicago Marathon (I KNOW.) and the training is looming over my head already, even though the race isn't until October 7. So much I want to do differently this time. So much I want to do better.
And you know what? Even though I don't feel like I'm PERFECT right now? It's going to be ok. And frankly I will never feel "perfect" and I need to let that go. I am looking forward to some date nights and a mani-pedi when John gets home (for the love I WILL see Hunger Games while it's still in the theater!). I am looking forward to my birthday later this month. I am looking forward to my marathon recap post and starting to run again. I am looking forward to tweaking my diet (I'm considering a sugar detox!) and hoping that positively impacts my athletic performance. I am looking forward to strength training once a week with my friend who is a personal trainer and learning about how to be stronger physically. I am looking forward to the family road trip we have planned for my sister's wedding reception in May.
So we'll call this an attempt at moving forward. I'm admitting here and now that it's not all roses all the time and that's ok. Sometimes things are hard. Sometimes it feels weird to talk about something good you did in light of other circumstances and THAT IS OK.
I'll see you soon. We'll talk about running a marathon.